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Eric- in Quiet Memory
by Bonnie Moss (c) February 14, 2012

..quiet nights and quiet life,
quiet hopes and quiet dreams... from a song

Feb 27th this month marks the 4th year of your passing. What can I write? Who cares to read my thoughts, my feelings? People have busy lives these days- family, career, add social networking and technology. So much I want to put on paper, like the lasting legacy of this place, a haven for family and friends in the summer.

The gratitude is in my heart -I make sure your dying wish for me to try to keep the cottage is fulfilled. For how long- I can not make that promise, aging does have a way of catching up and making life difficult. I sing no hymns or praises for you, I fly no banners,I don't throw a party in your memory, on your death anniversay or your birthday; my donations to anywhere in your name , anonymously- to the Heart and Stroke, to the War Amps, to the Mission-it is all in m y heart. I am going to do volunteer work at the Alzheimer Asso. in Perth come Spring, 2012- in your quiet memory.

It was wonderful to feel the warmth of your embrace, but since you've been gone, all I get is a cold chill when I know you are near me. I pray that I see you in my dreams, this comforts me. But knowing that I can not talk to you, look into your eyes and feel your physical presence is now beginning to torment me. I repeat and repeat that I have to find a new direction. I pray for guidance.

This winter has been the toughest since you've gone. I don't know why. I spend so much time in front of the tv. I try to keep the piano room warm- but there are afternoons I just can't get myself to play the piano. I struggle to do any worthwhile writing. I have not read a book this winter. No craft , no project is in the works.

Am I feeling sorry for my aloneness? I am not sure. My resolve to do something is weak. I see you a lot in my dreams, some dreams do puzzle me, trying to decipher what message it conveys. I know that you are trying to encourage me to move on- when I dream of you. I get this . Staying stuck , spinning my wheels, living in by- gone time frame is not what you would want for me.

Am I still grieving? You bet I have my moments - loving you and thinking of you now that you are gone almost feels like unrequited love. No- I am not heart-broken. How can I when we shared so much love? I tell myself this is not healthy, it is self-defeating.

I do promise to keep your gravesite planted with flowers over summer- and I have. Some years, I don't even have a mass held in your name. By the time I make the appointment for a mass- it is too late for that exact date. My prayers for you are all in silence. You are in my heart, in my prayers everyday, many times in my waking hours . I pray for your peace and letting you go is part of that. I know this! How unprepared I was ...I still am, but I know I will be.

You are so much a part of this life- even in death. I feel you are reaching out to me. Yesterday late afternoon, I made myself sit at the piano, only sad tunes seem to come out. I started playing My Heart Thy Sweet Voice- Samson and Delilah, you liked this music. If I did not burst into tears. I came in and wailed. I poured a small glass of bourbon- and stared at the fire. Amazingly, I felt better. I went back to the piano- decided to play some bombastic peices- the Czardas, which at first I bungled. I took out the Beethoven sonata book, tried to play the Pathetique, not bad but need more practise.

I was going to play the Polonaise by F.deLeon, but changed my mind. Then, fingered thru the sheet music on top of the piano. I took out the Poet and Peasant- I never play this in early evening, too fiery, more suited for daytime, and so I thought. I looked at the cover folder that holds the sheet music- at the middle were the words- Hello- in very, very light handwriting. I know I have never seen these words before, and why I took this music out, I don't know. Then- I see the words, Hello - there is no mistake, it is your handwriting. Did it ever put a smile on my face and lifted the sadness. I went on and played some popular music, enjoyed the next couple of hours on the piano. You'd be pleased to hear the great improvement in playing popular music- this is the second winter of lessons via the internet on How to play Jazz.

And did you not use to tease me about my choppin' up Chopin and breaking Bach's clavichord? Funny.

I do get out and see what the world has to offer. I visit with friends. This winter, Lyle- remember him- asked permission to park his truck at the end of the driveway when he goes ice- fishing, he comes in for a short visit and we do reminisce. His son, Billy took his own life three years ago. Lyle was devastated, he seems to have aged so quickly, I almost didn't recognize him when I opened the door. Billy was 21 years, the only son. He misses Billy especially when he is out there ice fishing.

2012 winter is mild- more of freezing rain and icy roads. The wind around the lake can be wicked. There are times this winter that it is comfortable to sit outside mid-afternoon and enjoy the tranquility of the frozen lake. It is peaceful. I don't dare take a walk on the frozen lake- too icy. I do prefer snow over this icy condition.

So dear one, time passes on. I almost did not bother planting seedlings for the garden, which seems to keep expanding each year. Finally, February 4th, I went to town to pick up stuff and started the seeds. It is a good feeling to see the little sprouts peeking through the soil. I see you standing beside me, smiling. Thank you for all the things you taught me, the world we shared. I am pleased with how competent I am in keeping this place - the driveway maintenance , the challenges that winter brings, living here at the lake; keeping this place warm with the woodstove. It is very calming to sit in front of the fire and sip my coffee. and soak up the peace and the beautyy of Nature that surrounds me.

It is said that Time is a great Healer. This I have to believe. This month of February looks promising.

God bless.

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