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by Maurice Turmel PhD

Making Choices

We all assume that making choices is a simple process. We see
what's in front of us and we choose the best option. That's the
way it goes in this choicemaking process.

But what if it were not that simple? Because, let's face it,
people make the wrong choices everyday. The wrong girlfriend!
The wrong boyfriend! The wrong destination! The wrong colors,
and so on.
Choicemaking is not as simple as it may seem. Smokers
continue to smoke. Drinkers continue to drink. Drug users
continue to abuse.If making choices was so simple, then
none of the above problems would exist, would they?

"Look At Your Own Life For A Few Moments."

See if all your choices have been wise ones. Is there
a repeating choice occurring that still produces the
same negative result? Why are you still making it?

When it comes to Life Choices, then we see that this
process is not as simple as choosing the right candy,
or movie, or other form of entertainment.

"Truly FREE Choicemaking is Based on Personal
Characteristics,Prehistory and Personal Awareness."

How aware are you of your Prehistory to determine
why you may be making the same faulty choices over
and over again? Why does a woman continue to choose
the same type of abusive man? Why does a man continually
succomb to the definitions and desires of others? There's
no choice in such examples, only repeating patterns!

"But The Fact Is: There is choice!"

Choicemaking still goes on, even if it's outside our
conscious awareness. A part of us is making choices
based on - prehistory, old patterns or a familiar
expectation like "I never get what I want" or,
something similar.

"These Are Some of the Common Denominators of Prehistory."

As a child you React to your environment. You adopt the
Status Quo, that is, how things work in your family of
origin. You make unconscious choices based on Survival Value.
"If my dad always yells at me when I need something,
then I won't "need" and won't ask anymore."
And you give up trying to get that Need Met! Repeat
this a few dozen times and see how many things you
have given up. And worse, you start convincing yourself
"you don't really need it at all!"

The more dysfunctional your Family of Origin is,
the more Reactive and Unconscious your choices tend to be.
And this is the root of all negative choices.

Very few people would Consciously choose a situation
or pattern with a guaranteed negative outcome. So
called "common sense" is about hindsight and stating
the obvious.The fact that so many choices are made
at a subconscious level, cancels out any so-called
fruitful effects of "common sense."

"Patterns Return. Familiarity Seems Safer.
Only Because These Are Known."

Making a choice for a better Life is tantamount to
a Crisis. It certainly is a Crisis for the Part of You
that makes your unconscious choices!Some call this part
your "survival side" or your "inner tyrant."He, she,
or It, has a big investment in maintaining Control.
So you "doze off" or "go numb" when an important Critical
Choice has to be made. You re 'still making a choice,
only you are "choosing not to choose." And the necessary
choice is relegated to your Unconscious Self. You "allow"
this unconscious "protector/controller" self to make the
choice for you. And then,you see the Same Old Negative
Result.Once again confirming "You Are the Victim
of Forces Beyond Your Control!"

"What Has to Happen on a Conscious Level for
This Pattern to Change?"

"Know Thyself" is the key phrase here. And this is no small
order.Even well trained Psychologists can have a
tyrannical unconscious self to deal with.It is critical
to get to the bottom of this though. One has to see
that those unconscious choices:
a) exist and;
b) no longer work.
What once had survival value, during childhood, has
now become a detriment to your healthy development as
an adult.We've all had occasion to say: "he's acting
like a child again." Or,"I felt like a child who needed
her mother. These are common enough experiences for all
of us to relate to.

"The Primary Sign of True Adult Development is Emotional Maturity."

This includes the ability to make choices based on the
evidence at hand, and not the "programs" from one's
prehistory. True Freedom comes when one's childhood,
hurtful past is laid to rest. Freedom comes when we take
hold of ourselves and declare: "I'm making the decisions
from now on -not my old Childhood Self- not my Abused
and Frightened Self - not my Victim Self,or any part
of me that came into being before I could make
conscious choices.In a safe environment we grow up
capable of making informed choices.We are allowed
to be ourselves.

"In Dysfunctional Environments, Conscious Choicemaking is Absent."

We react.We resist.We counterattack.And we become
passive-aggressive. We identify ourselves as victims,
because we feel victimized. And we make limited,
uninformed choices based on these stressful circumstances.
There's no such thing as a Free Choice here. Survival takes
precedence. "What do I need do to survive this stress?"
replaces "What choice would I like to make at this time?"
We come to believe that: "we are what is happening to us"
- The Victim -The Abused One - The Abandonned One, and so on.
Name your Poisonous Identity.These are factual results
of various types of domestic tyranny. There are hundreds
of self-help books addressing each one of these results.

"How do You Change a Reactive Choice
to a Free Choice?"

You become aware of who you are.
Of what happened to you as a child,
and what you need now to correct this.
You make Conscious Choices to better your life. You
seek out resources that will help you untie all these
psychological and emotional knots.You Choose to open
yourself up to the Inner You, the person you are,
or could be, had none of the above happened.You choose
to get in touch with your full potential, and to
clean out all the garbage that no longer belongs.
You are choosing Your Freedom!

"This Could Be A Long Process Indeed."

What's your alternative? To live out your life as a
pattern of prepackaged reactions that were triggered
by others? Or, to live your life as it could be, given
what you now know about cleaning up messes?

I made my commitment 40 years ago, and I still work at it.
But it's not so hard anymore, and I have had some fun
along the way.I actually enjoyed untangling those knots.
As I needed certain things, they came along in one form
or another,a good Counselor, a Friend, Great Books, an
Inspiring Movie, and so on.As I learned to take
responsibility and own my feelings, things improved.
I improved. I got stronger. I benefitted from these
conscious choices.As I learned to overcome defeat and
curtail negative self-references,I gained self-esteem.

As I realized that a part of me ( the tyrant) seemed
programmed to harm me, I took away its power and
claimed it for myself.

"This Is The Hero's Journey From Mythology."

Into the Heart of Darkness we go, past the Guard Dog
"Cerebus" (inner tyrant) to recover our Essential Self,
and become what we can be.

It is a long and difficult journey at times, but well
worth it in the end. I wouldn't trade my journey for
any other experience. That's the level of my commitment
and the rewards that come with it.

Whatever it takes. Wherever I need to go. I'll do it.
Because, I'm worth it. AND SO ARE YOU!!!

Are you ready to commit to the Full Expression of your Being?
Then Let's Get Moving!

###################################################################### Maurice Turmel holds a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and was a
practicing therapist for 25 years. He is the Author of the "Parables"
series of books and the webmaster for "The Self-Help Advisor" website
where he offers a FREE bi-weekly Ezine. You may contact him at the
website: or Email: