A Final Goodbye
by Bonnie Moss (c) 2008 -05
To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
The toughest good bye is to someone who shared
your life, your love, through laughter and tears,
failures and victories, helps you get up when you
fall, or just be there to hold your hand as you
walk through life, share each moment and your dreams.
Quietly at the funeral service, tears rolled down
my cheeks as we were singing the hymn: Make Me a
Channel of your Peace. It was a prayer that we
shared especially when one of us felt angry
at the world .
In my heart, I knew this is the last goodbye.
I watched him for many months hanging on to dear
life. He had a very strong will to live. He knew
his physical body was ready to give in. It was
sad to see him reduced to skin and bones., but
he was determined to defy death. His legs started
to go weaker, at first he managed to get around
with his walker.Slowly, getting up on his feet
was getting more difficult.
The past few months before he passed , he was
bed-ridden. There were moments when he found
strength to sit at the edge of the bed, wanting
to get up. He was a very active person, always
finding things to do around the house.
Frustration was written all over his face. He
can't even get out of bed on his own. Now and then,
his dementia got the best of him- but this bouts
did not last long. He was fully aware of his
condition, and he tried his best to manage
those nasty moments.
It was not easy, not for him nor for me. His
condition put to test how much I loved him. It
broke my heart to watch him during those restless
moments as the sun starts to set. This is called
Sundowning, quite common among the elderly.
Dementia alters a person's disposition. During these
episodes, I let him ramble on. He gets restless and
even says nasty things. But, it always came to pass
and he is his old self once again. We both learned
to ride it out till the he regained control of his wits .
We talked about death and dying, he expressed his
regrets over his mistakes, I'd tell him we all make
mistakes.I remind him of the fulfilling career he
enjoyed, how lucky he was to have caring family and
friends. There were moments I'd assure him I'll be
alright and I can take care of myself; if this is
what's holding him back. He'd holdmy hand and tell
me he is confident I'll be OK.
Up to his last moments, he was able to express his
thanks to me, for taking good care of him, to our family
and friends who stood by his side and for the life and
love we shared.
I knew the end was drawing near, and when it did,
I realized it was I who was not ready to let him go.
Part of me died with him.
P A G E S